Family Ties

The concept of "family" seems so odd to me now. These little gatherings my mum's side of the family have so often were once full of life, love, and fun. Now they seem a little more than lacking.

Times do change, as I have come to see in the past year. My parents who I pictured together always have gone their own ways, but as a witness to the affairs, I can say the break was not so clean, and won't be easy to set back. Don't assume that I am dense enough to even hope for recovery, I know it will never happen, nor do I really want it to. Somethings may be rough, but the fates will always know what is best. They of course, know all.

Yet as said before, these gatherings were once a wonderful piece of art to me. Now my heart is empty when I see them all, and for all the wrong reasons. My dad always made my night. But he is no longer there to save me from the insufferable Ashley women. I have grown distant from my cousins, who knew my dad before he knew my mum. Because of this rift, this break, a gorge has seemed to grow and grow, the bridges I am forever trying to rebuild keep failing me. The ones I love so much are drifting, and those who I would be better off without are the only ones that are there anymore.

I put on my facade of happiness for them, to show them I am well, that there is still love in my heart for them, but it is only a mask. My true family is here with me, all the family I need. My dad, my brothers, my uncle.

He is my rock, my little brother. He is a royal pain in my ass, he calls me on all my bullshit, he tends to be a bit of a liar. But he is goofy. He is my family. He is the one I can turn to in my time of need, or spill my little secrets to in confidence.

Perhaps a void from the rest isn't as bad as it at first seems. It brings us closer than we think.

Dare to Dream?

I don't get nightmares that often. Once every couple of moths I get a really bad one, but I haven't seemed to have one like that for quite a while. Until this morning.

Dreams like that scare me. My body heat intensifies, and I'm constantly telling myself that its only a dream, its only a dream. I know I am asleep, but I am forced to watch the horrors before I wake again, to a happier world. I can feel myself trying to scream out for help, but it never works, my throat is dry and my voice long gone. Always the same.

I don't understand it.

Yet, as much as I wish it were the same, its strangely different. No, see I still get the rotten feelings of helplessness, but this dream, this horror, was not about me, but him. I had to watch him die to save me. The love of my life laying on the ground, dead. I couldn't save him, nor could I escape from watching. Every attempt at waking that usually works, failed me today.

Perhaps the world is trying to tell me something. That my fiance is going to die? I hope not. I only dare to think that it was only a dream.

Music To My Ears

In my mind I sometimes seem to wonder how it works, it being some simple things in this life that I look at in a much more complex way.

Today I start this blog, for reasons that are yet to be known. I sit here, my fingers resting against the dark keys, willing myself to type. I'm unsure what to say, or how to say it, but the words are there, ready to be put to proverbial paper. The sweet melody that is music fills my thoughts, each and every word sinking in, yet they hold no meaning... for the moment. Another time I will listen and be filled with emotion from the words. Now is not the time. Now The Eagles float around in the background, folding over the uneasy buzzing. Peacful.

This is my favorite thing in the world. I love to write. Some day I wish to be paid for doing so, however now is not the time.

Now is never the time.